Divorce + High-Conflict Relationships
Is your peace still dependent on how your ex behaves?
Your ex doesn't have to change for you to be okay.
Maybe you've left the relationship. But somehow, you're still living around them.
- You check your phone and see their name. Your stomach drops.
- You read the message once. Then again.
- You start typing. Delete it. Rewrite it. Send it to a friend. Maybe send it to your attorney.
- You wonder if you should respond at all.
- Then you spend the next three hours thinking about something that took them thirty seconds to send.
They aren't even in the room, and somehow they're still controlling your day.
You thought leaving would make you free.
And maybe in some ways, it did. But you weren't prepared for this part.
- The accusations.
- The half-truths.
- The rewriting of history.
- The message that makes you wonder whether you're remembering things correctly.
- The refusal to cooperate over something incredibly simple.
- The parenting issue that somehow becomes another power struggle.
- The boundary they ignore.
- The rules they expect you to follow but somehow don't apply to them.
- The perfectly reasonable message you spend twenty minutes writing because you're trying to make sure there is absolutely nothing they can twist.
And still... they find something.
These kinds of manipulation, control, and reality-questioning are recognized patterns in emotionally abusive relationships, and separation does not necessarily end attempts to exert power and control. (The Hotline)
Maybe you've tried explaining what this is like to someone and heard:
- "Just ignore them."
- "Don't let it bother you."
- "Why do you even care anymore?"
And you want to scream: You don't understand.
Because it's not one text. It's what the text represents. It's years of being questioned. Blamed. Dismissed. Controlled. Made responsible for someone else's emotions. Having your reality challenged. Trying harder and harder to communicate clearly enough that maybe this time they'll finally understand.
So when someone tells you to "just ignore it"... you would love to.
That's why you're here.
Maybe you've even thought, "I should warn the new girlfriend."
Just a little: "Be careful." Because you know what's coming. Or at least you think you do.
- Maybe part of you wants someone else to finally see what you saw.
- Maybe you want confirmation that you weren't crazy.
- Maybe you want to protect them.
- Maybe you want to know whether your ex will treat them differently.
And maybe there's a tiny part of you that thinks: What if they do? What if your ex becomes everything you begged them to be... for someone else?
That can hurt in a place you weren't expecting. And it's another example of how someone can continue taking up space in your internal world long after the relationship ends.
"But you don't understand. My ex is different."
Maybe they are.
- Maybe they're narcissistic.
- Maybe they're controlling. Manipulative. Vindictive. Emotionally abusive.
- Maybe they thrive on conflict.
- Maybe they know exactly how to provoke you and then point to your reaction as evidence that you're the problem.
- Maybe they can be charming and reasonable with everyone else, which makes you feel even more alone in what you've experienced.
Whether or not your ex would ever meet the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder isn't actually what we need to figure out here.
I don't need to diagnose your ex to help you become free of their impact on you.
You've probably already tried the logical solution
- Explain yourself better.
- Reason with them.
- Get them to understand.
- Prove what actually happened.
- Correct the lie.
- Defend yourself.
- Get them to follow the agreement.
- Get them to apologize.
- Get them to admit what they did.
- Get the new partner to see it.
- Get your family to understand.
- Get the judge to see it.
Get someone to finally validate: "Yes. This person really is doing this to you."
Some of those things may be important. Legal issues still require legal solutions. Safety issues require safety planning. Boundaries still matter. Documentation may matter. Your attorney's advice matters.
But none of those things can guarantee your peace. Because they all contain a variable you cannot control: another person.
The logical solution
Get your ex to stop doing the thing that's bothering you.
The UNBOTHERED solution
Change what gives them the power to bother you.
That's different from telling yourself "I shouldn't care." It isn't pretending they're not doing something wrong. And it isn't learning to tolerate mistreatment.
We're asking why what they're doing has such a powerful hold on you in the first place.
- Why does being misunderstood create such an intense need to explain yourself?
- Why does their criticism make you question what you know?
- Why does their anger make your body feel like you're in danger?
- Why does being called selfish make you immediately wonder whether you are?
- Why does their refusal to cooperate make you feel like you can't be okay until the situation is resolved?
- Why do you still need them to understand?
That's the problem underneath the problem.
This is where I work differently
We connect the dots.
You can spend an entire session telling me what your ex did this week. And believe me, there will probably be plenty to talk about next week too.
But that doesn't necessarily change why it affects you. So instead, we connect the dots.
Now we're no longer spending week after week analyzing your ex. We're changing the reason they can activate you so easily in the first place.
- What's bothering you right now?
- Why does this particular thing affect you so deeply?
- What does it mean about you, them, or what's going to happen?
- Where have you felt this before?
- What underneath this still has power over you?
- Change that.
And then something starts happening.
The message comes in. You read it. And instead of your entire nervous system going on trial... you know what needs a response and what doesn't.
- You don't spend an hour crafting the perfect message.
- You don't need to prove your side.
- You don't call three people to make sure you're not crazy.
- You don't spend dinner replaying the conversation.
- You don't lie awake rehearsing what you're going to say tomorrow.
You handle what actually needs to be handled. And then you go back to your life.
That's the shift.
"If I stop getting upset, aren't I letting them win?"
This one matters. Because sometimes anger feels like the last thing protecting you.
- If you stop fighting... does that mean they got away with it?
- If you accept that they're probably not going to change... does that mean what they did was okay?
- If you don't respond... does that mean they're right?
No. Your emotional suffering is not the consequence they have to pay for their behavior.
Read that again.
- You can hold a boundary without spending the rest of the day furious.
- You can document something without obsessing over it.
- You can advocate for your children without making every disagreement a battle.
- You can follow your attorney's advice without needing your ex to agree.
- You can say no without writing six paragraphs explaining why.
- You can take appropriate action and still have peace.
Family-law professionals themselves describe how emotional dysregulation and feeling out of control can lead clients toward constant reassurance-seeking or decisions driven by the emotional conflict rather than the legal objective. (American Bar Association)
You can stay in your power without staying in the fight.
And if you have children together, this matters even more.
Because the divorce may end. The relationship doesn't.
- Practices
- Appointments
- School events
- Vacations
- Expenses
- Birthdays
- Holidays
- Schedule changes
- Graduations
- Weddings someday
And hundreds of tiny moments between now and then.
You could spend years waiting for your co-parent to become easier to co-parent with. Or you can become someone who doesn't require their cooperation in order to remain grounded in yourself.
That doesn't mean you stop protecting your children. It doesn't mean you stop addressing legitimate concerns.
It means you learn the difference between:
Something
I need to act on.
Something
that is trying to pull me back into the fight.
What would your life feel like if your ex wasn't taking up so much space in it?
- Imagine seeing their name on your phone and feeling... neutral.
- Imagine not caring whether their new partner believes their version of the story.
- Imagine not needing everyone to know what really happened.
- Imagine setting a boundary and not checking five times to see how they responded.
- Imagine trusting your perception again.
- Imagine making decisions because they're right for you.
- Imagine being present with your kids instead of mentally arguing with your ex.
Imagine an entire day going by... and realizing:
"I didn't even think about them."
That's UNBOTHERED.
From Colleen
You don't have to wait for them to change to get your life back.
I'm Colleen Latshaw, LMHC, and for more than 15 years, I've helped people create meaningful change by getting underneath the patterns that keep them stuck.
I don't need you to spend weeks convincing me that your ex is difficult. I believe that this is difficult. And I'm not here to teach you how to become better at tolerating it.
I'm here to help you change the things inside of you that their behavior keeps finding.
- There is rarely extensive homework.
- You don't need to tell me every detail of everything you've been through.
- And we don't have to spend every session reviewing the latest episode.
Bring me what's bothering you now. I'll help you find what's underneath it. We'll do the deeper work there. And then you get to go live your life.
Meet Colleen
Your ex doesn't have to change for you to be okay.
- They don't have to understand.
- They don't have to apologize.
- They don't have to admit what happened.
- They don't have to tell the truth about you.
- They don't have to co-parent the way you wish they would.
- They don't even have to stop being difficult.
They just don't get to have this much power over you anymore. Stay in your power without staying in the fight.
Heal Deeply. Live Authentically.
Become UNBOTHERED.